What flows within...

Its almost 5 in the morning now. I'm reading Waves, again, with two songs on repeat on my ipod all this while. Only this time, i feel something different. REALLY different. From all the times i've read it. I see you and your family in the story. The story can never be any sadder from the previous times i read it. I have no idea why. Guess its the cigarette. Heh..I'm doing all i can to make things right so that i can see you next summer. Which as far as now, the only thing i wanted to do now. On my mind. I've been in the same position for almost two hours now. ((Ow that feels GOOD)) haha

hmmm..i dont know. I dont. I have no idea. I think this time, i'm just gonna go for Love. Even though the first and the second time i screwed up, but, it cant be that bad..right? I have no idea why, but there's some feeling, strange feeling, of that, that THIS girl, is something special. She's made everything OKAY for me. For once in my friggin life, i believe the line: Everything's gonna be alright. I believed that line as she said it. The look in her eyes. I trusted like no one else. Not even my parents. Is this even good? I have no idea. I think, this time, i'm gonna make it. She's something else. She's not that kinda person, who would mind my family background, issues, shits, and problems i've always dealing with. She's TOO adaptive until i'm not used to it. Happen to think of it, i've never dated a Pisces girl. Now i know how i made my exes feel i guess. Jobs. Its all over the place. I know i love her. So much. But the 'old me' has died along with that plan. I murdered her. I'm what i am NOW. Been like this ever since she left me. But now, this girl is here, turning everything around. Changed my view, again. All those, being together were always a huge burden to me. The stress of responsible, but this girl, showed me something different. She maybe young, but she's always mature when i needed her to be. Been a while since i smiled, since i actually miss someone other than you. Somehow, there's still a cranky feeling inside. The battle between my head and my heart, it starts again. When are they ever gonna be in sync for anything?! Fuck. Life is always hard. Its even harder to be in my shoes. When all of the decisions, arent yours to make but you still have to be the one who executes. We all have to wake up i guess. ((i guess again))

Family. I guess i never had a proper one. But i'm still loving what i have. Love them so much. Though mom's gone for over 4 years now. I too, have been making decisions on my own for all this while now. ONLY NOW, i know, MOTHER KNOWS BEST. i miss you so much..some nights, i feel like i could look up into the empty sky, and maybe i'd see stars, lining up, forming a shape of you..but i know. That you dont really wanna see me..hehe 'cause i've always an abomination to you and dad. I'm the worst thing that'd happen to you. I'm useless and i'm gay. I remembered how you said you'll disown your children if they are not straight. I see shame and disgrace in your eyes. Every time i look at your pictures. It stings. But i'm already used to that pain. For over 4 years now.

I'm never the lucky one. Some says life is not measured by the length but the width and depth. Neither i have any of that. I dont really see the point of breathing somehow. Its not like someone's gonna feel anything about my existence. i'm always making mistakes. It tires me to get back up my feet again and again. Pulling myself together is tiring. But now, i think i finally found someone who'd love to pick me up when i'm down on my knees((other than God)). She's the furthest i've ever had, but yet, she's the closest. Like, heart-to-heart close. The way we feel for each other, the way we comfort each other, the way we cling on each other. The completion. I wanna have her in my life, not just on my screen, but where i can hold her hand and we could take on the world and challenges that awaits. Its funny how hard i look for someone like that around me, but somehow she just appears on my screen and now, a Must in my life.

Babe, i'm never the kinda rich ass who can buy you anything you want. Prepare yourself for that. But i'm dying to make things work here. I've always wanted US to work out. And i'm just messing with you. I always know what day is it 4 days later silly. Well then, 'Happy One Month Anniversary' my love. <3

See you in 249 days