What flows within...

Live for a purpose. I guess mine is just love. Its realy pathetic that i've never changed that. Once i've learned to love, i cant live without it. It either being trapped with the wrong people, a feeling deep inside, or someone who's far away. You just love in a different way. That's the only difference. You have not changed one damn bit. Its kinda sad though. *exhales deeply* Somehow i asked myself 'Will everything work out as you planned? What if it doesn't?' I've already have answers to that. I guess i ALWAYS have answers to every questions i asked myself. Either way. Everything is gonna be fine. I wanna make so much money until i have no idea how do i spend it. Good right? But behind this joke, it stings my heart. Because its impossible. You'll always find a way yo move on. That's the only good deed i see. Though its always love that keeps you moving forward. (at least i didn't quit right?)

I wanna give her everything i wanna give. And that, is a LIFE i've always dream of having. I wanna give it to her. But its not going to be possible if this go on. SOMETHING has to change. You have to act. Tomorrow's interview. Irene has not reply a text, yet. And there's no one wants to change their shifts. I guess this will pass. AGAIN. Pathetic i know. But, nahh, dont be afraid of the future. Always hope for it. Then WORK for it. Just nervous. VERY. They've put you in a test, now do it in return. Maybe this is the only way you know what's going on behind all these. New life ahead. Smile for it! :)

Nothing's gonna stop me.
Focus on the results you'll never changed; focus on the change, you'll get the results.

I guess this is it. It all ends here. To me, you guys still mean the same to me. Guess its just me, letting you guys down again. I'm sorry. I was so remorsed, deeply sorry and guilty about everything happened, and THAT decision i made. I've did my part as a brother, you can choose to forgive me or hate me for the rest of your life. That's nothing i can change. I think its not a bad idea now to move on. Because, i've learnt the importance of my existence. I guess that's ALREADY enough. Move on. No matter how bad life knocks you down, do whatever the fuck you can to move on. You stand up and walk, or crawl if you have to!

Maybe to anyone out there i seem like someone who doesn't care much about shit or just anything. *scoffs* sure you can think that way. Try to be in my shoes before you give damns about how i walk. What do you think your judging will do to me? Say something out just because you cant even keep your thoughts and words with yourself? Then you are pity. Before you're making comments about how i look, how i dress, how i think, my sexuality, please be reminded that no fucks will be given from me. I'll still do what i have to do.

The biggest obstacle is now overcomed. Maybe this is the way. Though its the hardest. I believe in the line, The tougher the struggle, the more glorios the triumph. So babe, its gonna take a while. Longer than what i've planned earlier. Here, i wanna let you know that, this job, its gonna make my schedule 'normal' again. That means everything will not be the same anymore. But I WONT CHANGE MYSELF. I'm still the one who loves you, still the same old me you loved with all your heart and soul. The time i appear on your screen may be much lesser then. But not my love for you. I'll do everything i can. I promise. I know what am i doing now is very unfair to you but please bear with me, let me do whatever i can now to make sure i dont regret in the future. OUR future. But we have to visit my family at least once a year okay? Please..

Everything just goes as i thought. Now i feel terrible. How could i not blame myself for everything happened?! I.MOVED.OUT.FIRST. I should have saw whats behind Tom asking me to work for him. I SHOULD HAVE SAW THAT. Goddamn it! Fuck! Rented the unit to negros?! Moving out tomorrow but there's no place to stay yet?! This is all my fault. Guys, i'm sorry i haven't been playing my part as a brother good enough. I'm the worst friend you guys can ever have. I'm sorry. I thought we could talk about anything. I thought we are brothers. I guess that's not anymore ever since i moved out.

Then whats behind Gary? In my whole life, i've never talk to him more than 10 sentence. But that night after i looked for him, now he's offering. So the question now is: What am i suppose to do now? I still remember that night on 16. I remember something Tom told me. I rejected it. One month after that, IT COMES BACK AROUND. Glomac. Is that where i should go? Think. Just think. I thought i'm seeing them yesterday. I thought i can finally really talk about this. But yea, they bailed. After that huge dissapointment, i suddenly thought of myself. This very same thing will happen AGAIN if i took it. Then SHE will be the one who always got dissapointed. I can already imagine the look on her face. Aches my heart SO MUCH. and yes, again, there's nothing i can do about it.

WTF is wrong with you?! You're so happy playing around? Those are mom's money. The last of it. Now i'm regretting not studying for myself instead i wasted money on you! FUCKING GROW UP ALREADY! Back when i was 18 i have already fighting and working for EVERY FUCKING MEAL on my table for me and her! WTF are you doing now?! Why is everyone saying i'm impulsive making you quit school?! Ohw yea, to remind you, I AM THE ONE WHO SIGNED EVERYTHING ON YOUR ENROLLMENT CONTRACT, MY NAME IS UNDER THE 'GUARDIAN' BRACKET. All these, means that I AM LEGAL TO END YOUR SCHOOLING LIFE AND MAKE YOU LIVE THE LIFE LIKE I'M HAVING RIGHT NOW. Then i'll see can you still live the same when you have problem keeping food on the table. DONT TEMPT ME EVER AGAIN.

Its been a hell of a mess going on recently. I finally told her. That's its not possible for me to make it that early. There i hurt her very much with this i know. But there's nothing i can do. Always being helpless and thats just the typical me. But i believe she'll understand. She's always been very understanding to me. Having her just seems like a dream sometimes. I am always afraid that someone, something, or just somehow will wake me up from this dream :') I thought she was gonna break up with me. But somehow she didn't. Though i have no idea why..but i've braced myself for everything that can be possibly happening. Seems like now i've been given a chance to be a better person. I've promised myself i'd do anything to make everything happen. so God, please give me enough time. That's all i'm asking.

After all these talking, i feel terribly lucky that my girlfriend can be so understanding. She understands everything perfectly. Even if she doesn't want to, she's still being 100% supportive. :') I dont have west's problem. I've warned everyone for dating someone who's still studying. Now i'm doing that of course i've thought of everything. I HAVE TO. That's just me. Jacq, what west said to you, He didn't mean it. This is the time when he needs you the most. If you still wanna go on your life with him, ENDURE now. Be always patience with him. He's just like a big kid sometimes. And to remind you again, you're now dating a guy who's undergoing the hardest part of his life. A man will always remember that person who's always being around during this phase of life. Think twice if you wanna be that person. Because love takes courage and strength.
Here i wish everyone the best of their lives!