What flows within...

Everything just goes as i thought. Now i feel terrible. How could i not blame myself for everything happened?! I.MOVED.OUT.FIRST. I should have saw whats behind Tom asking me to work for him. I SHOULD HAVE SAW THAT. Goddamn it! Fuck! Rented the unit to negros?! Moving out tomorrow but there's no place to stay yet?! This is all my fault. Guys, i'm sorry i haven't been playing my part as a brother good enough. I'm the worst friend you guys can ever have. I'm sorry. I thought we could talk about anything. I thought we are brothers. I guess that's not anymore ever since i moved out.

Then whats behind Gary? In my whole life, i've never talk to him more than 10 sentence. But that night after i looked for him, now he's offering. So the question now is: What am i suppose to do now? I still remember that night on 16. I remember something Tom told me. I rejected it. One month after that, IT COMES BACK AROUND. Glomac. Is that where i should go? Think. Just think. I thought i'm seeing them yesterday. I thought i can finally really talk about this. But yea, they bailed. After that huge dissapointment, i suddenly thought of myself. This very same thing will happen AGAIN if i took it. Then SHE will be the one who always got dissapointed. I can already imagine the look on her face. Aches my heart SO MUCH. and yes, again, there's nothing i can do about it.

WTF is wrong with you?! You're so happy playing around? Those are mom's money. The last of it. Now i'm regretting not studying for myself instead i wasted money on you! FUCKING GROW UP ALREADY! Back when i was 18 i have already fighting and working for EVERY FUCKING MEAL on my table for me and her! WTF are you doing now?! Why is everyone saying i'm impulsive making you quit school?! Ohw yea, to remind you, I AM THE ONE WHO SIGNED EVERYTHING ON YOUR ENROLLMENT CONTRACT, MY NAME IS UNDER THE 'GUARDIAN' BRACKET. All these, means that I AM LEGAL TO END YOUR SCHOOLING LIFE AND MAKE YOU LIVE THE LIFE LIKE I'M HAVING RIGHT NOW. Then i'll see can you still live the same when you have problem keeping food on the table. DONT TEMPT ME EVER AGAIN.

Its been a hell of a mess going on recently. I finally told her. That's its not possible for me to make it that early. There i hurt her very much with this i know. But there's nothing i can do. Always being helpless and thats just the typical me. But i believe she'll understand. She's always been very understanding to me. Having her just seems like a dream sometimes. I am always afraid that someone, something, or just somehow will wake me up from this dream :') I thought she was gonna break up with me. But somehow she didn't. Though i have no idea why..but i've braced myself for everything that can be possibly happening. Seems like now i've been given a chance to be a better person. I've promised myself i'd do anything to make everything happen. so God, please give me enough time. That's all i'm asking.

After all these talking, i feel terribly lucky that my girlfriend can be so understanding. She understands everything perfectly. Even if she doesn't want to, she's still being 100% supportive. :') I dont have west's problem. I've warned everyone for dating someone who's still studying. Now i'm doing that of course i've thought of everything. I HAVE TO. That's just me. Jacq, what west said to you, He didn't mean it. This is the time when he needs you the most. If you still wanna go on your life with him, ENDURE now. Be always patience with him. He's just like a big kid sometimes. And to remind you again, you're now dating a guy who's undergoing the hardest part of his life. A man will always remember that person who's always being around during this phase of life. Think twice if you wanna be that person. Because love takes courage and strength.
Here i wish everyone the best of their lives!