What flows within...

Live for a purpose. I guess mine is just love. Its realy pathetic that i've never changed that. Once i've learned to love, i cant live without it. It either being trapped with the wrong people, a feeling deep inside, or someone who's far away. You just love in a different way. That's the only difference. You have not changed one damn bit. Its kinda sad though. *exhales deeply* Somehow i asked myself 'Will everything work out as you planned? What if it doesn't?' I've already have answers to that. I guess i ALWAYS have answers to every questions i asked myself. Either way. Everything is gonna be fine. I wanna make so much money until i have no idea how do i spend it. Good right? But behind this joke, it stings my heart. Because its impossible. You'll always find a way yo move on. That's the only good deed i see. Though its always love that keeps you moving forward. (at least i didn't quit right?)

I wanna give her everything i wanna give. And that, is a LIFE i've always dream of having. I wanna give it to her. But its not going to be possible if this go on. SOMETHING has to change. You have to act. Tomorrow's interview. Irene has not reply a text, yet. And there's no one wants to change their shifts. I guess this will pass. AGAIN. Pathetic i know. But, nahh, dont be afraid of the future. Always hope for it. Then WORK for it. Just nervous. VERY. They've put you in a test, now do it in return. Maybe this is the only way you know what's going on behind all these. New life ahead. Smile for it! :)

Nothing's gonna stop me.
Focus on the results you'll never changed; focus on the change, you'll get the results.

I guess this is it. It all ends here. To me, you guys still mean the same to me. Guess its just me, letting you guys down again. I'm sorry. I was so remorsed, deeply sorry and guilty about everything happened, and THAT decision i made. I've did my part as a brother, you can choose to forgive me or hate me for the rest of your life. That's nothing i can change. I think its not a bad idea now to move on. Because, i've learnt the importance of my existence. I guess that's ALREADY enough. Move on. No matter how bad life knocks you down, do whatever the fuck you can to move on. You stand up and walk, or crawl if you have to!

Maybe to anyone out there i seem like someone who doesn't care much about shit or just anything. *scoffs* sure you can think that way. Try to be in my shoes before you give damns about how i walk. What do you think your judging will do to me? Say something out just because you cant even keep your thoughts and words with yourself? Then you are pity. Before you're making comments about how i look, how i dress, how i think, my sexuality, please be reminded that no fucks will be given from me. I'll still do what i have to do.

The biggest obstacle is now overcomed. Maybe this is the way. Though its the hardest. I believe in the line, The tougher the struggle, the more glorios the triumph. So babe, its gonna take a while. Longer than what i've planned earlier. Here, i wanna let you know that, this job, its gonna make my schedule 'normal' again. That means everything will not be the same anymore. But I WONT CHANGE MYSELF. I'm still the one who loves you, still the same old me you loved with all your heart and soul. The time i appear on your screen may be much lesser then. But not my love for you. I'll do everything i can. I promise. I know what am i doing now is very unfair to you but please bear with me, let me do whatever i can now to make sure i dont regret in the future. OUR future. But we have to visit my family at least once a year okay? Please..

Everything just goes as i thought. Now i feel terrible. How could i not blame myself for everything happened?! I.MOVED.OUT.FIRST. I should have saw whats behind Tom asking me to work for him. I SHOULD HAVE SAW THAT. Goddamn it! Fuck! Rented the unit to negros?! Moving out tomorrow but there's no place to stay yet?! This is all my fault. Guys, i'm sorry i haven't been playing my part as a brother good enough. I'm the worst friend you guys can ever have. I'm sorry. I thought we could talk about anything. I thought we are brothers. I guess that's not anymore ever since i moved out.

Then whats behind Gary? In my whole life, i've never talk to him more than 10 sentence. But that night after i looked for him, now he's offering. So the question now is: What am i suppose to do now? I still remember that night on 16. I remember something Tom told me. I rejected it. One month after that, IT COMES BACK AROUND. Glomac. Is that where i should go? Think. Just think. I thought i'm seeing them yesterday. I thought i can finally really talk about this. But yea, they bailed. After that huge dissapointment, i suddenly thought of myself. This very same thing will happen AGAIN if i took it. Then SHE will be the one who always got dissapointed. I can already imagine the look on her face. Aches my heart SO MUCH. and yes, again, there's nothing i can do about it.

WTF is wrong with you?! You're so happy playing around? Those are mom's money. The last of it. Now i'm regretting not studying for myself instead i wasted money on you! FUCKING GROW UP ALREADY! Back when i was 18 i have already fighting and working for EVERY FUCKING MEAL on my table for me and her! WTF are you doing now?! Why is everyone saying i'm impulsive making you quit school?! Ohw yea, to remind you, I AM THE ONE WHO SIGNED EVERYTHING ON YOUR ENROLLMENT CONTRACT, MY NAME IS UNDER THE 'GUARDIAN' BRACKET. All these, means that I AM LEGAL TO END YOUR SCHOOLING LIFE AND MAKE YOU LIVE THE LIFE LIKE I'M HAVING RIGHT NOW. Then i'll see can you still live the same when you have problem keeping food on the table. DONT TEMPT ME EVER AGAIN.

Its been a hell of a mess going on recently. I finally told her. That's its not possible for me to make it that early. There i hurt her very much with this i know. But there's nothing i can do. Always being helpless and thats just the typical me. But i believe she'll understand. She's always been very understanding to me. Having her just seems like a dream sometimes. I am always afraid that someone, something, or just somehow will wake me up from this dream :') I thought she was gonna break up with me. But somehow she didn't. Though i have no idea why..but i've braced myself for everything that can be possibly happening. Seems like now i've been given a chance to be a better person. I've promised myself i'd do anything to make everything happen. so God, please give me enough time. That's all i'm asking.

After all these talking, i feel terribly lucky that my girlfriend can be so understanding. She understands everything perfectly. Even if she doesn't want to, she's still being 100% supportive. :') I dont have west's problem. I've warned everyone for dating someone who's still studying. Now i'm doing that of course i've thought of everything. I HAVE TO. That's just me. Jacq, what west said to you, He didn't mean it. This is the time when he needs you the most. If you still wanna go on your life with him, ENDURE now. Be always patience with him. He's just like a big kid sometimes. And to remind you again, you're now dating a guy who's undergoing the hardest part of his life. A man will always remember that person who's always being around during this phase of life. Think twice if you wanna be that person. Because love takes courage and strength.
Here i wish everyone the best of their lives!

Its almost 5 in the morning now. I'm reading Waves, again, with two songs on repeat on my ipod all this while. Only this time, i feel something different. REALLY different. From all the times i've read it. I see you and your family in the story. The story can never be any sadder from the previous times i read it. I have no idea why. Guess its the cigarette. Heh..I'm doing all i can to make things right so that i can see you next summer. Which as far as now, the only thing i wanted to do now. On my mind. I've been in the same position for almost two hours now. ((Ow that feels GOOD)) haha

hmmm..i dont know. I dont. I have no idea. I think this time, i'm just gonna go for Love. Even though the first and the second time i screwed up, but, it cant be that bad..right? I have no idea why, but there's some feeling, strange feeling, of that, that THIS girl, is something special. She's made everything OKAY for me. For once in my friggin life, i believe the line: Everything's gonna be alright. I believed that line as she said it. The look in her eyes. I trusted like no one else. Not even my parents. Is this even good? I have no idea. I think, this time, i'm gonna make it. She's something else. She's not that kinda person, who would mind my family background, issues, shits, and problems i've always dealing with. She's TOO adaptive until i'm not used to it. Happen to think of it, i've never dated a Pisces girl. Now i know how i made my exes feel i guess. Jobs. Its all over the place. I know i love her. So much. But the 'old me' has died along with that plan. I murdered her. I'm what i am NOW. Been like this ever since she left me. But now, this girl is here, turning everything around. Changed my view, again. All those, being together were always a huge burden to me. The stress of responsible, but this girl, showed me something different. She maybe young, but she's always mature when i needed her to be. Been a while since i smiled, since i actually miss someone other than you. Somehow, there's still a cranky feeling inside. The battle between my head and my heart, it starts again. When are they ever gonna be in sync for anything?! Fuck. Life is always hard. Its even harder to be in my shoes. When all of the decisions, arent yours to make but you still have to be the one who executes. We all have to wake up i guess. ((i guess again))

Family. I guess i never had a proper one. But i'm still loving what i have. Love them so much. Though mom's gone for over 4 years now. I too, have been making decisions on my own for all this while now. ONLY NOW, i know, MOTHER KNOWS BEST. i miss you so much..some nights, i feel like i could look up into the empty sky, and maybe i'd see stars, lining up, forming a shape of you..but i know. That you dont really wanna see me..hehe 'cause i've always an abomination to you and dad. I'm the worst thing that'd happen to you. I'm useless and i'm gay. I remembered how you said you'll disown your children if they are not straight. I see shame and disgrace in your eyes. Every time i look at your pictures. It stings. But i'm already used to that pain. For over 4 years now.

I'm never the lucky one. Some says life is not measured by the length but the width and depth. Neither i have any of that. I dont really see the point of breathing somehow. Its not like someone's gonna feel anything about my existence. i'm always making mistakes. It tires me to get back up my feet again and again. Pulling myself together is tiring. But now, i think i finally found someone who'd love to pick me up when i'm down on my knees((other than God)). She's the furthest i've ever had, but yet, she's the closest. Like, heart-to-heart close. The way we feel for each other, the way we comfort each other, the way we cling on each other. The completion. I wanna have her in my life, not just on my screen, but where i can hold her hand and we could take on the world and challenges that awaits. Its funny how hard i look for someone like that around me, but somehow she just appears on my screen and now, a Must in my life.

Babe, i'm never the kinda rich ass who can buy you anything you want. Prepare yourself for that. But i'm dying to make things work here. I've always wanted US to work out. And i'm just messing with you. I always know what day is it 4 days later silly. Well then, 'Happy One Month Anniversary' my love. <3

See you in 249 days

为什么我们老是要这样？
为什么老是吵架？
你真的那么恨我吗？
爸，
很多东西，我不知道怎么了。
我倒楣，一直都是那样。
被人骗了一次又一次。
我知道我没有用，不能像妹妹那样。
我付出的努力
我相信除非我死，
不。
你连我死后都不会看见。
你要我怎么办？
你就继续误会我吧，
也许我都不在乎了。
我够了，累了。
我爱你，不过这一切
我只想结束。
反正我连赎罪的机会都没有了。
你们都一样吧。
呵

我现在的感觉是，
我宁可淹死，也不去抓你们伸出的援手。

妈，
对不起。
又是我。
我回不去了。
我以为他明白。
我高兴过一刹那
不过我不知道该怎么做了
没有人是值得我相信的
我爱的人，太遥远了
我只剩下妹妹，还有她
不过都算了，
都不重要了。

呵

If there's a cliff, i'd be glad to jump off of it now. Thank you for reminding me everything i've failed at. I dont know whom can i trust anymore.

我爱你们，就像亲哥哥一样。
不管你相信不，我爱你们。
对不起，又让你们失望了。
离别的那一刻，我只想抱住你们
跟你们说声对不起。

Fate brought us together. But i dont know what separated us. I hope we can be friends, brothers like we used to be. You guys will never know how badly i missed the old times when we watch football together, we played DOTA together, we go shop-to-shop together. I remember how you sat on my ass and scratched my head and wake me up. Then i'll chase you around the house. I remember how you smoked all my cigarettes and grined at me. We could swim, gym and skate together. I love you. Both of you.

Forgive me. Thats all i'm asking ad all i'm begging for. I'm good at ruin things. Good things. Tom, thank you. For teaching me everything all these while. West, thank you. Thank you for reminding me to breath when it attacks. Thank you for all the help and company. I'm just, dont deserve y'all.

You guys are better off without me.
I'm a burden. To anyone. Please, do remember that i love you. Wish you all the best in the future.

Its back. Like yeah. I'm struggling to change things. This is gonna affect a lot. I'm slowly forgetting stuffs. Right just now, i looked at my foot and i forgot how to tie my laces. Shaky hands. Nightmares. Migraine. Black out and these, i just dont know which is worse.

Dad, i'm sorry. i hope i'm able to come home that day. I cant promise i'll be back though i'm dying to. But i'd promise that i'll buy carnations. Lots of em. With a little card..filled with white lies. Like the usual years. yea.

Is it destined? or fated? Can you help? *scoffs* who knows right? Maybe its gonna end up like all those who left. Nothing's wrong with ordinary, like nothing's wrong with girls in short hair. Guess i'll just have to smile, live, and lie like nothing happened. Until the day arrives.


I WARNED YOU.

一切过得，比什么都来的快。
都算了吧。
只能说，我又一次的看错人了。
我会放下的
这一棵树
多一棵不多，少一棵不少

我认了
认输了
认了这样的sales不适合我
不管是时机不够成熟
还是不够幸运；不够坚持
都算了。

总有出路的，

专注自己的事业为先吧。
哈哈

我会加油
不会让你们看扁！

This is too overwhelming. It all happened when i scrolled through some tweets from piers morgan about gun issues, which i've been always been told how dangerous America can be due to this. And my dad basically showed me every single news on the paper about innocent people gettin shot and all that. Guns are suppose to be like an armor that we used to protect ourselves right? (Maybe i'll find that out myself.)

Scanning through lotta tweets and replies to with Piers Morgan, about this gun issue, i stumble across Jessi. 'She died in a shooting?' It has to be some really nice person that would get this much of a condolences. (Forgive my language, my english is very limited. Bear with me) Knowing she's a sports journalist is what fires up my interest then i started digging her info through the net. (and all those wasn't kind of the whole point)

What hit me the most is that, her last blog post about her narrow escape from another shooting earlier in Eaton Centre earlier last month. Her words were surprisingly simple to understand! The way she writes has brought words back to life. I read the post as if i was there, just finished grabbing sushis and wanted to continue to shop, but ended up witnessed a shooting first hand on a regular Saturday evening. Then when i came to the few last lines of the post, i can tell right on the spot that she is certainly one girl, that loves her life, and lives it to the fullest like nobody i've ever known in my life. I can feel her in her activities, her pictures, her posts, her tweets, her WORDS. I felt like i knew her for my life.

Then the moment came, when i was allowing myself in her pictures and all that, i was stunned again when i realized that, This amazing girl, is gone forever. God i swear it aches! My tears almost burst out. 'NO!' Even a stranger like me would feel the searing lost, i can never imagine how of all her close friends and family would feel. NEVER. Hatred grew in me that second, for God taking away someone that brightened up the world so much. Such cheer, such heart-warming, such joy, such LIFE. I'd agree with someone from twitter that said 'This world will not be any better without her.' Still drowning in the sorrow of losing one person so close, as a friend, as a family, this article came out. and yes. It reminded me. Of how life, and work are suppose to be going along together. Answered all the question that have been bugging me and gave me sleepless nights. 'You can't love your life without loving your job.' Because of this line, i quitted my job.

I agree and enjoy that life(to me), is a hustle. 'Its not what you say but what you do that defines you.' I've always been busy and going round and round. Eventually, winded up back at the first place, back where i began. Something is wrong. That is, i'm not living my life. Pursuing something/someone that's far within reach. All those were suppose to stay in my dreams. Not in my hand. At least, not now. There's steps and procedures. That is how life meant to be! We prone to forgot the simplest thing. Sometimes, it takes a mentor, friend, family member, lover, or occasionally, a stranger to remind us. I admit, that i've been rushing into things these years. Only when i looked back, i found out what scenes i've been missing all these times. Its time, to take a step back. Have a nice little break. Clear out my own mind. Meditate. It's not gonna work if i keep pushing myself that hard.

*exhales*
*smiles*

Jessi, this post is meant for you. Emily, Jay, Jordan and all who loved her with your heart, keep your head up, pull yourselves together! We're gonn' shine! This world may not be a better place without her, but we can try our best, even try our heart out to live our life like what Jessi did! I believe that's what she'd love to see, from above. And also, that is what Jessi inspired me! Jessi, may you bring your joy to us. Its not the fancy language that you used but the meaning that lies in between those lines that counts. In eternal memory, with love and all my heart, RIP #JessicaRedfield


#LoveLife!!!   ❤  :')

我很不開心，
可是能做什麼?
我已經不知道要怎樣去處理這些思緒了。
除了做gym發洩，
我還有什麼?
什麼都沒有。
為什麼都是我的錯?
有人體諒過我的感受嗎?
在乎過就那麼一下下嗎?
沒有。
操雞巴的

我不知道要用什麼去判斷
一個人是好是壞
我一向來拿出一顆真心，
交朋友，交往
他媽
最後怎麼折騰
傷的還是自己
交往失敗，我承認是我自己怎麼都不夠好
我不夠man，不夠體貼，不夠細心，不夠努力
總之怎麼算
都我錯，嗯?

那朋友呢????!!!!
操!
我提防著那些真心對待我的朋友
不小心冒犯了他們我很內疚
我卻真心對待那些拼命想在我身上得到好處的人
對後吃虧的
永遠還是我

燕，
告訴我
教我
該怎麼辦，好嗎？
現在我很想你，
只想能夠有機會
讓你罵醒我
我真的很累了
這一切痛苦的無盡
白費的爭扎
什麼時候會結束?

告訴我
我熬得過去
告訴我
我撐得下去
告訴我
這一切會讓以後更好
告訴我!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




我連生氣憤怒的力氣也弄丟了
剩下的，
只是一個空軀
沒有心跳
呼吸著
只有每時每刻告訴自己

“ 這條路，是你自己選的。
好與壞都不重要了。
開始了，
你他媽跪著走，也要給我走完! ”






現實是醜陋的，心再美也沒有用。

你的道歉，我收到了。
不过什么也不会因此而改变
在这个世界上
在乎的越多
取舍越难。
我现在该怎么办?
What can i do?
What could possibly be done?
回不去了。
chris说的对。
先要顾好自己吧
不然还真的泥菩萨过江
心情已经糟到你打来都不想说话了。

where's life?
where's smile?
where's love?
After all these struggle,
i lost them.
Stupid and pathetic.
Is it my problem that all these keep coming?
Options are not an option anymore.
How the hell did i wind up here not at the first place?
Oh wait,
Does that matter?

I've never been this frustrated and depressed.
This pressure is killing me.
Just to found out that i lost my strength to be angry at something anymore.
Not anymore.
Feels like dead but breathing.

You'll never know how it feels to be like when you're life is a mess and there's not a fucking thing you can do to fix anything.

Now? I'm only feeling like hit the club and let the music blow my heart out.




Did you really think that i forgot your birthday?
*pfft*
Bought you stupid things that you didn't even care.
Again.
nah.
Now there's one present for you.
And i also hope that you dont mind to receive the same thing that i've give someone else.

and hey, Happy 28th Birthday
大个女啦
祝你美得健康自然
IC文件不会不见
车牌的5不会再掉
身体健康
幸福快乐
*28 missed calls, for your 28th birthday

不管最近发生什么该死的事，
有多倒霉，
有多辛苦难熬，
都咬紧牙关撑下去吧!!!
这千多块的烂鬼印度帐，算了吧!
当破财挡灾。



最近
看了这张照片，


我热血了!!!!
GYM GYM GYM!!! :D
让所有的不开心，烦恼
都给汗水、池水带走吧!!!


加油加油加油!! ;)

What have i got myself into again?
Damn.
Its not my fault that you guys had some freakin beef jerky.
Please....i'm now here. Stuck. Because of all these.
If I'm gonna work this out, i'ma need help.
and If you're not givin me a hand,
DONT BLAME ME WHEN I ASKED FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S!
Tired of dealing y'all's bullshit.
Dont drag me into this.




What am i gonna do????
Go for it?
Or stay stuck?

I guess deep down,
there's an answer.

--There's always something!

The first car! :)
Yeah, i did it!!!!! Fucking did it! :D
The circle's gonna grow!
Really should talk about it with Seng.
Dont lock me down with 1.5 when i know for sure i can do more than that!
Win win, Should be fair to me.
Both gonn' earn profit, right?

Nego! Nego!!!!! :)
Good news will keep coming!

Law of Attraction, FTW!!!!!
Hell yeah! Now this, is LIFE.

Gosh....where the hell am i now?

Back to where it all again. Dont even have the strength to complain anymore. Exhausted like shit.

People will continue to take you for granted. Whom so fucking ever they are.

When i figure it out, i'm heading the exit of all misery.

There lies forever, my comfort zone.

Well, it feels kinda awkward when i heard from Chris that you asked about me this afternoon. The question is, why are you doing this to me? I tried calling you, texted you, whatsapp you. But after all these times, i got nothin' from you. Not any news, not any replies. Nothing. And yet after all that, you asked my friend about how am i doing. Why dont you just fucking reply me?

Seriously, this girl logic, to me, it doesnt make sense. Not any fucking sense. If this relationship, DOES NOT work out, its not MY fault. Because i've done everything i could have. You can be really TOLERATE and UNDERSTANDING if you WANT. But i felt like being fooled. I'm just an option to you, and to be frank, the LAST one. Funny eh? no. its fucking ironic.

Hey you know what, its not anybody's problem that your relationship doesnt work out. Its YOURS. Relationship its not about just you. Its a 2-person matter. If you cant commit, then please, dont start. Because someone will end up all hurt and heart broken. If you liked to be blamed, then thats other case. Well, i've brace myself for that, yea, for some 'good' reason. Though i dont even know that's right or wrong. But nobody cares, okay?

I'm tired trying to hold onto something on my own when its not just about me. Its more. I told everyone i could talk to, that i'd let you go. But why, that somehow, some-fucking-how, you remains a place. I tried bury you deep inside some where and walk away. But i returned, and found out that it's like a freakin seed, and now, its nurtured with my subconscious emotions and feelings that i buried together, and now, it has turn into a TREE.

Great. Chop it off?
Well, okay then.
Chainsaw anyone?
UGHHHH!

The 5%? I'm on it biatch!
I'm gonna let my subconscious to do it.
Its a promise.
I'm on it!
Wish me luck!

Its more tiring than you think.
Its not what i wanted, but its happening.
Stressed out. Worn out. Waiting for the black out.
Damn.
Is this what keep you away from me?
If so, then let it be.
Because i understand. More than anyone else.
I'm tiring of making my own decision.
Actually, decision making is not that tiring, what exhaust you the most, is how you're bearing all this all by your own.
You're always be reminded that there's no one outside you can cry out for.
That's why i'm treasuring all the helping hands and tries out there.

Was planning to have a full shift roadshow today. Though i totally forgot about it. But i cant take that much of shit all of a sudden.

Okay.
Time for exercise.
Refreshing maybe.

Alright.
Enough with the bitch.
Here's something about myself.
I've decided to post about my workout results. Will be uploading loads o' pictures.
And yeah, i'm glad the workouts pay off!!

Pic 1: From the front. Its not that obvious. But its OKAY.

Pic 2: From side left. Hmm, can see that i squeezed it hard to get the curve. I wonder why i trained equally but my right side just doesnt get the curve! =\

*they can have 25 percents of bf and looking good. i'm 3 percents away!!

Whoa. So sorry to heard the news, bitch! i'm so sorry for you. Please dont die. I'm too slow. Too damn slow. I gotta get more money. For you.
你呀，千万别那么快死。
你的命，是我的。
如果你今天就出事了，我会很难过。
真的很难过。
别死。

等我。呵呵

I'm starting to feel that this job is slowly changing me. I love how it feels.

Or should i say, my job is exploiting something deep inside myself unconsciously. There is something happening. I can feel it. Inside.

How thrilling!!

I totally understand the line: if you ought to gain something, you gotta lose something first. If the price of success, is my class of friends, level. i think it'll work. It will.

Its getting easier to weight things.
Which comes first and after.
I still have faith in you.
I'm no quitter.
Never.

I wanted a mentor, that guides me, points me in the right direction, and gives me a helping hand when i'm shitty.

And now i have him. Seng.
Not you, brother.
Whom is DYING to change me into something i'm not. Sorry but you dont know me, AT ALL. If you're into me, if you dont open yourself up to me, then everything you do or say, means NOTHING to me.



I dont stop when i'm tired,
I stop when i'm DONE.

The game has just started.
And i'm gonna enjoy it!

April fool.
I've been living a fool's life all this long.
Funny? Then have your laugh.
Irony.
No matter how hard or how long you struggle, people all around you saw your craziness,, but the two of the most important people in your life never see a single thing you did.

I tried to take it positively,, like:
They emphasize more than other people about your MISTAKE. Because they cared about you. Well my dad maybe. What about you, nic?

*sigh*
Never mind.
There are things i promised myself.
Nothing can bring me down now.
Nothing.

今天又是累垮的一天
我再强调一次，
我并不是反反复复。
我现在的情况已经不能允许做任何吃亏的决定。
他妈的！
要不，你们来试试看在事业刚起步的时候，突然每个月要供个1500给妹妹去读书！
这个也许就是为什么你们永远没有可能会有机会代替Chris在我心中的位置。
我不能就只是冲！
要是我只有一个人，跌得多伤我都承受得了！
现在不行！我不能输你们明白吗？！

这个大客，
对不起我要独吞了。
你们能像Chris那样懂我就好了...
现在的情况，除了妹妹，
我有个心上人，成功上岸有段时间了。
我不能再耗了。我不想让她等！
她目前的工作，说我自己难听点、没用点就是我的10倍。但是因为我感觉她做得不怎么开心，我想要凭我的直觉跟能力给她她想要的生活，还有一段距离。我现在要TM争取我剩下的时间，把这一切的拖延都补回来！我不要让她身边的朋友家人笑她！我要她跟我过的开开心心！

在她面前我还要保护你们
在爸爸面前我要保护她们
却忘记为自己找个可以保护我的人了。
不过算了不要紧。
还没遇到什么我跨不过去的难题。

虽然她到现在都还没有给我答案。
但是如果还没有尽力，就放弃，我会遗憾一辈子！
我宁愿后悔我做错的，我也不要后悔我没做到的！
Whatever that is worth HAVING,, its worth FIGHTING for.

Nicole我在这一篇里，要送你2样东西：
1我的真心
2我的时间


大哥二哥，谈成了我一定不会亏待你们！
这个sales我非得到不可！
对不起了！

我的天哪...被Seng连骂了3天。
才睡醒又中了...
唉办事不利吗??

昨天跟她小通了电话
问她视频竟然说没看过..?
反而是Kc在她的墙炸了些有的没有的
看来我真的带给她很多麻烦及不便
也让她很丢脸

说真的
我上传
就预计她会拒绝了吧?
呵...

虽然她没一字一句说出来
可是她的语气好像老是在告诉我
她不是一个好女人
靠
我由心地不介意，她不明白吗?
要用什么语言?
抱歉我只会华语英文马来文客家
要是只有说什么外星语她才明白的话
我现在就去学！

她啥「坏东西」都玩过?
她在「工作」的时候会跟别人搂搂抱抱什么的?
她有段「不为人知」的过去?

拜托,,我既然接受了她有酒吧的背景
就也已经预计了这一切啊!!
难道要我怎么着?

「就,,成绩要很好，要读过什么世界大学，开过酒吧可以、但是不沾烟不沾酒不玩糖果、不在同桌跟人装熟嘻嘻哈哈。」

是这样吗?
如果老是以这一些以「道德」条件找伴的话，说真的我不知道还要单身多久。
反而那些看上去良家妇女什么的外面背后干了什么你不知道..
我要找的是生活上的那个「伴」。
所以请搞清楚，而且如果我要的是一个「道德老师」的话我会去学校找。

她心里一定有着一个让她28岁还单身的理由
「她没人追?! 」别开玩笑了!! 我只是幸运在诚茶跟她一起工作罢了!! 要排队的话我都不知道自己排到哪儿啦!!! -.-
我倒觉得是「她很在意自己的背景」。
她好傻..如果不真正打开心门让人进来住，又怎么知道谁是短期租客或者长期住宿?

昨天她也有问：如果跟你在一起，然后又像你的ex酱跟别人走掉呢?
老实说：心里会纠啦..不过如果我给不了她快乐幸福,,我干嘛霸占着她? 那样很痛苦的..在一起是俩个人的事。如果一方没感觉了，累了，倦了，另一方再怎么爱也没用。再说，是真的爱的话，不是应该让她到更多幸福的地方去吗? :)


...完了..真的什么都完了..
我应该是爱上你了



翁彩琳,,给我个机会好吗?
Yes or no?

直接说就好了...不用给我理由。
=)

Dear fate...you just couldn't let me breathe right? Or i'm the one who's getting myself into this? Jump into blazing fire and try to stay alive.

Struggle and survive.
Like i always do.

I'm gonna pick these up.
All of them bit by bit.
Urgh..


我不怕挑战
不怕压力
只怕在我努力的当儿掉了你
现在发了疯似的赚钱

无可否认
你占了三份之一。


呵
加油！
希望计划能如愿以尝！

Sometimes i wonder, is it good for me to carry these burden all by myself?

I never wish or hope that they would THANK me. i just hope that they'll understand. And thats all i'm asking.

What doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

I always carry this thought with me.

And now i'm gonna prove it right!

Its time.
Yes, wind does HOWLED.
And i'm letting myself go with it.

For so far i didnt realize that you're in the way.

Great.

I said i'd stop blaming.
I'd QUIT blaming.
And so i will.

After all these times.
And here comes 'Decision 3'.

On you i'm letting go.

I'll fucking promise to every fucking one.

I WILL NOT FAIL THIS TIME.

This MARCH, is ALL i need.



Here i hope you'd understand.
I'm letting go is because

i wanna see you success.
i wanna see you grow.
i wanna prove to dad that you are just as good as he thought.
i wanna see you get what you deserve.
i wanna be proud of you.
and i love you.



All the way sis.
Life's ahead.
Challenges await.

我又因为你生气了

你怎么可以那样？

现在是什么情况？

我好像完全不在状况内

你在想什么我不知道。

有时觉得你内心在想什么瞒不过我

但这种情况，

I CANT TELL!!!

有时再想，如果可以

我要忍痛

跟你断绝。

想到这里

心就纠得...

好。

呵呵

好。

就这个月。

要么

不做



我一不做

二不休！

幹!!!!!

Its getting worse. i dont know whether i'm doing it right. Should i keep caging it? or just unleash? I'd turn into a monster i know. and THAT's where the LONELINESS begin. I ask myself somehow: is this really what i wanted? the halo kept me hesitated. i've been carrying this all my time. is my life any easier? No. Pathetic no. there's a todo list of my halo. and i'll make your car last. I wanna walk with the evil. because i've been pushed too far. WAY to far. There's no fighting back with this fucking halo. I'ma destroy everything that gets into the way. MY way.

Scared?

Then start running.

现在的感觉，
让我想起超过10年前的泳术班。
还记得第一次
教练带着我游到9尺深
稍微教了我姿势
就自己游走了。
留下因害怕而扶着池边的我

对。
就是这个感觉。

突入而来的无助、恐惧。
但是，当时的我，

成功游到对面了。

你现在
像在一边看着我
观察着我是否有能力、及克服

那你给我一个月的时间。
这条河，
我一定过得去！

只要你答应
会在对岸
等我

How do i describe it when i sleep on the couch?
Erh....
I love how it feels when i returned home after one day of work, lying on the couch
Is either random guitar plucking, listen to songs, play with all my 契仔契女, read articles
or just simply doing nothing
Couch is something that meant a lot to me in a house.
Maybe its because i've spent one year on it.
Every family member in my house moved out and surprisingly DID NOT leave a single mattress for me.
Great, right?
I started sleeping there.
I could STARE (seriously, i STARE) at my mom's photo until i fall asleep.
I could talk to my mom, though i know she'll never be hearing anything i say.
But i just did.
Then i sprained my waist and my back so bad that i cant even stand straight or bend over.
So there i was, STILL sleeping on the couch but in siting position.
How long did that last?
Let me think....
Almost 4 weeks.
One year later, sleeping on the couch has become some odd habit of mine that most of my friends would pick on me for.
Haha..
To me, a house without a couch,
Is NOT complete.
So guys,
QUIT asking me to come into the room and sleep.


Here,
Its different.
Problems unsolved trapped in my head
Haunting past
I stopped taking for a while
So i end up sleepless almost every night.

So i choose to laze on the couch
trying to catch some sleep
but then
FAILED. (its like EPIC FAIL)
For these months,
I would lie on the couch,
and stare into the air.
and wait for the drowsiness to strike
and feels like the whole world starting to fade away
Noisiness, laughter.
Nothing.

And now,
Two of the best brothers that mean a lot to me,
has gone.
to someplace else, SOON.
I'm reluctant to that.
But what to do?
I gotta move on!
West,
We've got lotta goals to score!
At least we can still fight together, right?
I'm honored to know both of you.
Despise what the fuck ever they talked about you.
Just, dont let me down.
Like i dont let you down.

*sighs*

somehow
i've found out that thinking of you would warm my heart.
you're like a mild heat
deep inside the core
slowly giving out
that bring me warmth and a SLIGHT reason for me to smile or even laugh.
: ) like what i'm doing now.
Somehow i thank everything, for knowing you.

Well,
Maybe we both DONT need any crystal relationship
Because deep inside,
We both know
How special we mean to each other.
And i guess THAT, is enough for you.
God, i love your smile..hah
I wonder if you can hear how badly my heart pounds every time you come close, sitting right beside me
I wonder if you feel the same towards me..
Started missing you already!


*hearts*

yikes...guess i'll be alone this Valentine's day... =/

站在河邊的我
注意了你很久
一开始觉得你真的不讨人喜欢
可是过后
发现你也讨厌得可爱
也开始越来越无法自拔
所以
伸手到水裡
逗着你

突然很想将你带回家
放了個小網
隨意地看看你會不會上鉤
從來沒有想過要認真地、必要地擁有你
順其自然。

过了那么久，
当我都要开始放弃，离开河边，
你这只鳖呀..
才一头闯进那个网子里

我很开心真的很开心 =')
可是
把你抓在手心才发现你一点也不开心
我也只好把你放回河里..然后离开
至少从今以后
都不再干扰你
让你小鹿乱撞
让你心烦

再见了，我的鳖.. :')
你一定要幸福!

这个新年，过得比自己想象的，更有意义。
真的很欣慰自己能找到一个像他那样的朋友。
虽然之前..有点误会，
但
今天看你们好好的，
又听west说了，
觉得误会..应该都过去了吧?
最后算将功补过?
说真的，已经是第几次发生这样的事情了?
真的要好好反省，改过这种容易对人好的习惯了。
我只是
交颗心出来当朋友而已。
就那么简单。

希望都过去了。

不然就赶羚羊的给我找个女朋友吧?!!!!??!?!?!!!!
她距离我太远了......考虑放弃中... ='(



这个新年，
对自己许下了承诺，
25号起的5年内，
不看医生！
*拿药，还有scan除外... :p
交待完东西后，
有种很放松，
很安心的感觉
比较能睡了 *安慰*

今天，赌懒到有种程度!
呵
反正都是我的错。
命运吧?
让我莫名其妙滥用了你的信任等等的如此如此这般这般。
真是的。
知道我老是滥用你又老是信任我..? -.-




哎，等下还有一堆垃圾要忙！！！！！！
能睡多久就睡多久吧..
也有点睡意了

Zzzz 安!

Sometimes i thought, does it have to be like this to learn everything i wanted?
I dont get it!
I know! (we all know)
that this is important.
I've been given this job, and i'm taking it really seriously. Until i'm not sleeping well for these nights.
After all that struggle?
It was pass on to someone else.
You dont even listen to me!
WTF?
Alright.
Its MY fault. I've got to admit it.
I know i've always not been good enough for anything.
but fuck!
I'M TRYING!! Why cant you just see what am i going through?
 This admin assistant.
Fuck it man!
I have to be tougher!
I have to improve!
I MUST!!!!!!
This thing,
will NOT happen again!
I fucking swear to GOD.
There's no way of losing anything anymore.

I SWEAR.